In this time with you (Part 2)

Slowly I opened my eyes, the next things I knew that I was alone on my bed back in Ubud. It has been few days after my beautiful night but the memories remained in my head. I felt no sadness when I left him in that island and hop on my boat to come back to my real life. I was grateful of having my feeling for him no matter how short it was. I buried myself in my works as usual but this time was different.  I realized that somehow I changed. The way I felt about my life is different. I brought along warm feelings, big smiles, and positive energy from my wonderful vacation. No more mopping because of broken hearted, no more pinning when I saw places where I used to go with Clayton, no more hatred for Rama, Antoine, and Franz. I suddenly realized that I am on my way to myself healing. I am happy of being me and enjoying all the process to be a better me.

My phone was ringing at one afternoon not long before we said goodbye to each other in that island. I found myself smiling.

“I am in Ubud now, can I invite you a dinner tonight?” he texted

You see, he really likes this move of being spontaneous. I thought I would never see him again. There was no sign before that he would come back. And I just couldn’t help the urge to say yes

“I gotta treat you well” he added on his text

In the next 5 hours, we were sitting face to face, smiling to each other and involving in a interesting conversations at one nice restaurant in Ubud. I was surprised when I felt a nice warm electric shock from my crown to the tip of my fingers every time he smiled.

“What brings you back?” I can`t help my curiosity

“You give me a good reason to come back” he smiled and seemed to mean what he said

“Why do you want to hang out with me?” I asked more

“You make me feel better” He answered

I questioned no more. I am sure he had no idea on how much he made me feel better.

We decided to take a walk down the hill for a gelato. We were walking hand in hand.  I felt like I am 18 years old girl who just found her 1^st date J.

“What is your ultimate dream?”

That question came out of nowhere while I was savoring my gelato.

He was quiet for a while. May be he didn’t expect my question.

“If I could buy a piece of land, I would build an organic farming” He stopped but seemed thinking that I guessed he had not finished yet. I waited him.

“I would establish a healing center where people could come enjoying healthy life including  learning yoga”

“It is a simple dream, isn’t it?” he stopped sipping his Gelato and looked straight to me because I didn’t give any response. Indeed, it was a simple dream. How someone that smart and come from a very modern life could have that dream as an ultimate dream. i didn’t realize how long was I thinking until he asked what mine is. I looked at him, to be honest I didn’t know. All this time, I was obsessed working in conflict zone, doing humanitarian work, and delivering service with foreign aid. But then, after that night, I know that it was not my dream. Obsession is not the same with dream. After that night, I have one more purpose to live i.e. to find out what my ultimate dream is and to enjoy every process to live in my dream. I smiled at him. He might not realize that my smile means everything. That my heart is more and more filled with grateful. That I worshiped every second of it that I spent with him. I know that he inspired me on how to live my life.

The night was still young. I still didn’t want to leave home and say good bye. I looked for reason to keep him near me.

“can I buy you a drink?” I was hoping he said yes

“is there any place you want to go for a drink?” he asked

I considered that as a yes,  I smiled and pointed one nice bar called Budha Bar.

We were talking again about the night that we spent in Meno. He played with my hair and sometimes gave a kiss when we were talking. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I was with some amazing guys, treated me like I was the only girl, went to so many dates, but this time was really different. it was different in a good way. May be because I have learned to be present, to appreciate moment to moment, to expect nothing and simply feel what I feel.

“I want to stay with you tonight” he read my mind because I wanted the same.

“come home with me” I said

I knew I would have another beautiful night that night. And it was more than I expected. It was getting more and more wonderful every minute of it. It may be because I got used to him already that made me more comfortable to express myself. It was wilder than before but I love it more. The most amazing things with him is peace that I feel regardless how dirty and wild we were.

“I don’t think I will come here again” he said the next morning when I drove him back to his lodge

I smiled, i supposed to feel sad and angry with that statement but I felt ok instead. I guess I can live with that. I started everything with him differently and without expecting him to be always come to me. The beauty of feeling that he brought to me is more than enough.

I was still in contact with him and discussed a lot of stuffs through email. I guess I knew that he was about to leave start from his first email. But I tried to ignore my feeling, i developed more trust and confidence that he could stay longer and finished his service in my country. I told him that it was in his mind that he couldn’t accept the things that happened back in Java. I completely understand on how difficult it could be living in a very different place, being different with everybody in person and in the way of thinking. All he spoke about is his plan and what could he done if he was in the state.

“I am not a monk Lili” he texted me on one night when I told him to be presence every time deceiving thoughts played in his mind.

“a monk can easily being presence because they live that way and all they do is meditating” he added

I agreed, to be presence like Budha taught to his followers is difficult when we live in a real complex life and have desires. But it doesn’t mean it is impossible. Everything is about to learn and to follow the process.  I myself is crawling to that direction, for now, I am not even sure if I would success or not.

“Well, i guess you know better than anyone what best for you. But I hope the reason of leaving is not searching for comfort but you truly believe that it is the best for you” I said

“I will give it a time, but I want to see you again” he changed the topic

To be honest, I was missing him since he left last month and his images were constantly appearing in my head.

We spent the next two weeks texting and planning about the next meeting. These intense chatting made me more and more missing him. This guy was really special. No one, so far, is able to drive the wildest part of me.

I went to the shops two days before we agreed to meet somewhere in the North. I have imagined another amazing nights with him. I wanted to have perfect nights like I always pictured. A bottle of wine, candles, aromatherapy massage oil were sweetly laid on my shopping bag. I couldn’t stop smiling when he told me he was working on the music playlist for our nights. I was sure that my nights couldn`t be any better.

“I am so glad you are here” I wiped his head

“me too” he answered and looked deeply to my eyes.

“I always feel better and better to be around you” he added

and the nights were beautifully passing bye regardless these nights were the last night i spend with him. I recalled one gloomy afternoon he hesitantly told me his plan to go back home to US. He was still in doubt. But i dont want him to suffer more by spending his time in a place that not belong to him. painfully, i hold his hands saying " it is okay if you feel this is the best thing for you"
The next thing i know he hopped on a plane and entering a new journey of his life.

the song of " you are beautiful" from James Blunt really hit me in my stomach as it sings what i have in my heart.