In this time with you (Part 2)

Slowly I opened my eyes, the next things I knew that I was alone on my bed back in Ubud. It has been few days after my beautiful night but the memories remained in my head. I felt no sadness when I left him in that island and hop on my boat to come back to my real life. I was grateful of having my feeling for him no matter how short it was. I buried myself in my works as usual but this time was different.  I realized that somehow I changed. The way I felt about my life is different. I brought along warm feelings, big smiles, and positive energy from my wonderful vacation. No more mopping because of broken hearted, no more pinning when I saw places where I used to go with Clayton, no more hatred for Rama, Antoine, and Franz. I suddenly realized that I am on my way to myself healing. I am happy of being me and enjoying all the process to be a better me.

My phone was ringing at one afternoon not long before we said goodbye to each other in that island. I found myself smiling.

“I am in Ubud now, can I invite you a dinner tonight?” he texted

You see, he really likes this move of being spontaneous. I thought I would never see him again. There was no sign before that he would come back. And I just couldn’t help the urge to say yes

“I gotta treat you well” he added on his text

In the next 5 hours, we were sitting face to face, smiling to each other and involving in a interesting conversations at one nice restaurant in Ubud. I was surprised when I felt a nice warm electric shock from my crown to the tip of my fingers every time he smiled.

“What brings you back?” I can`t help my curiosity

“You give me a good reason to come back” he smiled and seemed to mean what he said

“Why do you want to hang out with me?” I asked more

“You make me feel better” He answered

I questioned no more. I am sure he had no idea on how much he made me feel better.

We decided to take a walk down the hill for a gelato. We were walking hand in hand.  I felt like I am 18 years old girl who just found her 1^st date J.

“What is your ultimate dream?”

That question came out of nowhere while I was savoring my gelato.

He was quiet for a while. May be he didn’t expect my question.

“If I could buy a piece of land, I would build an organic farming” He stopped but seemed thinking that I guessed he had not finished yet. I waited him.

“I would establish a healing center where people could come enjoying healthy life including  learning yoga”

“It is a simple dream, isn’t it?” he stopped sipping his Gelato and looked straight to me because I didn’t give any response. Indeed, it was a simple dream. How someone that smart and come from a very modern life could have that dream as an ultimate dream. i didn’t realize how long was I thinking until he asked what mine is. I looked at him, to be honest I didn’t know. All this time, I was obsessed working in conflict zone, doing humanitarian work, and delivering service with foreign aid. But then, after that night, I know that it was not my dream. Obsession is not the same with dream. After that night, I have one more purpose to live i.e. to find out what my ultimate dream is and to enjoy every process to live in my dream. I smiled at him. He might not realize that my smile means everything. That my heart is more and more filled with grateful. That I worshiped every second of it that I spent with him. I know that he inspired me on how to live my life.

The night was still young. I still didn’t want to leave home and say good bye. I looked for reason to keep him near me.

“can I buy you a drink?” I was hoping he said yes

“is there any place you want to go for a drink?” he asked

I considered that as a yes,  I smiled and pointed one nice bar called Budha Bar.

We were talking again about the night that we spent in Meno. He played with my hair and sometimes gave a kiss when we were talking. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I was with some amazing guys, treated me like I was the only girl, went to so many dates, but this time was really different. it was different in a good way. May be because I have learned to be present, to appreciate moment to moment, to expect nothing and simply feel what I feel.

“I want to stay with you tonight” he read my mind because I wanted the same.

“come home with me” I said

I knew I would have another beautiful night that night. And it was more than I expected. It was getting more and more wonderful every minute of it. It may be because I got used to him already that made me more comfortable to express myself. It was wilder than before but I love it more. The most amazing things with him is peace that I feel regardless how dirty and wild we were.

“I don’t think I will come here again” he said the next morning when I drove him back to his lodge

I smiled, i supposed to feel sad and angry with that statement but I felt ok instead. I guess I can live with that. I started everything with him differently and without expecting him to be always come to me. The beauty of feeling that he brought to me is more than enough.

I was still in contact with him and discussed a lot of stuffs through email. I guess I knew that he was about to leave start from his first email. But I tried to ignore my feeling, i developed more trust and confidence that he could stay longer and finished his service in my country. I told him that it was in his mind that he couldn’t accept the things that happened back in Java. I completely understand on how difficult it could be living in a very different place, being different with everybody in person and in the way of thinking. All he spoke about is his plan and what could he done if he was in the state.

“I am not a monk Lili” he texted me on one night when I told him to be presence every time deceiving thoughts played in his mind.

“a monk can easily being presence because they live that way and all they do is meditating” he added

I agreed, to be presence like Budha taught to his followers is difficult when we live in a real complex life and have desires. But it doesn’t mean it is impossible. Everything is about to learn and to follow the process.  I myself is crawling to that direction, for now, I am not even sure if I would success or not.

“Well, i guess you know better than anyone what best for you. But I hope the reason of leaving is not searching for comfort but you truly believe that it is the best for you” I said

“I will give it a time, but I want to see you again” he changed the topic

To be honest, I was missing him since he left last month and his images were constantly appearing in my head.

We spent the next two weeks texting and planning about the next meeting. These intense chatting made me more and more missing him. This guy was really special. No one, so far, is able to drive the wildest part of me.

I went to the shops two days before we agreed to meet somewhere in the North. I have imagined another amazing nights with him. I wanted to have perfect nights like I always pictured. A bottle of wine, candles, aromatherapy massage oil were sweetly laid on my shopping bag. I couldn’t stop smiling when he told me he was working on the music playlist for our nights. I was sure that my nights couldn`t be any better.

“I am so glad you are here” I wiped his head

“me too” he answered and looked deeply to my eyes.

“I always feel better and better to be around you” he added

and the nights were beautifully passing bye regardless these nights were the last night i spend with him. I recalled one gloomy afternoon he hesitantly told me his plan to go back home to US. He was still in doubt. But i dont want him to suffer more by spending his time in a place that not belong to him. painfully, i hold his hands saying " it is okay if you feel this is the best thing for you"
The next thing i know he hopped on a plane and entering a new journey of his life.

the song of " you are beautiful" from James Blunt really hit me in my stomach as it sings what i have in my heart.

In this time with you (part 1)

I may forget about him already tomorrow, day after tomorrow, next week, or next few months just like any other men who involved with me so far. It is not that I like them less than him who I will be the center of the story  now. I admired each of them (as Franz would say, every relation inspired differently), but it is too bad, as soon as I ended it I lost all the beautiful details about it after I healed. But this time,  I choose to keep remembering him by writing this story that I can always come back and see the beautiful details that I have with him. Doesn’t matter how short i know him, he put  colour in my life within that short period, he will always in my heart. Another person may come and put another colour but let the previous colour inspired me to have more beautiful colour on the existing one.

“What`s your name”

That is the first words he asked me when I first met him.

“Lili, and what`s yours?”

He mentioned his name. i didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying. The next thing that played in my mind was I have to stop talking with somebody in this monastery. Knowing people and involve with them will only destructed the reason I came. But the conversation was going on and on and on when he told me that he was volunteering with one organization in Java. To be a volunteer overseas is one of my dreams. Talking about his experience on working with locals, living with a very modest allowance, being far away from home, friends, familiar culture, moderns life style can`t hold my urge to keep the conversation on.

But one thing that I noticed, he was tired on living that way. He thought that he didn’t do enough as a volunteer. He thought that he could do so much better and could help more people from the states, his country. He thought teaching English to 11^th – 13^th grade students who barely speak any English and who have no interest to learn English is an impossible works.  He gave up of being presence in that place delivering no impact to people. I tried to give him my perception. I told him, if I were one of his students, having native speaker in front of my class would give me more courage to learn English. I believe so do his students. America could send a lot of books and teaching materials, but sending the American itself would imprint something special in the process of learning English for Indonesian.  Meaning, he gave impact to others life. (I guess most of you would think the same). Anyways, he might have more reasons to feel that way which no one could understand. I can`t judge from just less than an hour talk.  Self finding and discomfort about himself play big roles to what he felt. Well at least to my understanding.

Not like other people that I slightly talked to in the monastery, he seemed has this charm and strong magnet for me to keep talking to him which sometimes distracted me from my meditation practice. I sometimes cursed myself of being wondered and distracted. I have to remind myself over and over again the reason of being admitted to this meditation retreat. But I took it as a challenge and train myself to watch my thoughts and observe my five senses. I found myself smiling every time i succeed to go back to my present moment. 

“Do you want to ride with me to Ubud?”

I was surprised about myself of inviting him to ride with me as soon as he told me that he might go to Ubud, place where I stay.

“I am not allowed to ride in motorbike, my organization will kick me out and send me home” He answered.

“That is too bad because in Bali you have to take care of your own transport. And taking this public transport will be so stressful” I replied

“Yeah tell me about it” he sounded desperate.

“Well, if you change your mind and decide to be a rebel to your organization let me know. The offer will be open” I said

I went to my room asking myself from where I got the courage to invite him to have a long ride with me. I supposed to avoid any contact with any kind of men to protect myself from any kind of distraction.

I sat down on my mat and start to meditate. I close my eyes and start to watch my breath and being present. But in my hearing I always heard the way he whispered, “good night Lili” from his door when I passed his room.  I don’t know why I smiled on my meditation. I know this is not right, but some part of my heart like it.

“oke, I am coming with you” he came to me the next day

“Are you sure, don’t worry I won`t black mailing you”  I teased him

“oh thank you very much, that is very comforting” he replied and smiled back to me.

The next day, we were riding my bike for 4 hours through the mountain. For some reason I felt like I used him for making him riding the bike and giving me company. We spent these 4 hours with a lot of silence. We seemed busy with our own thoughts. Plus, the rain added more drama to the trip. We were all soak, chill, and I could feel he shook from coldness. This rain made the trip even longer caused me missed Christmas eve service that I planned to attend. It was 7 o c`clock in the evening when we reached my house and it was still raining. I offered him to take shower and warm himself first before we look for a lodge for him.

“The rain seemed taking forever and I am starving, what about delivery service?” i asked him

“Sounds good, but what do you feel like to eat” he welcomed

“Pizza?” I asked,  I saw his eyes sparkling

 “your eyes said yes” I added.

But instead of ordering delivery service we decided to go through the rain to sit in a nice well known pizza place in Ubud. We sat and chatted there for hours that we forgot already to search for his lodging. Without thinking twice I told him to stay in my house if he doesn`t mind sleeping in the floor and he agreed.

Again I was asking myself of what am I doing. I feel like entering dangerous area and stepping further from my secure state. I tried to cooperate with my mind that I will take care of everything. He is younger than me anyway that it already put me off. He is in the age of my brother that offering him place to stay will not lead to anything. I solely want to help him, being a volunteer and save some money for lodging will be nice for him.

“But he is an adult, and he is sweet” I was debating in my heart

“Yes, but I met him in the monastery, he is not the same with other guys” other part of me approved

“He is not the same but he is an adult. He has desire you has desire, anything could happen”

“oh come on, nothing will happen. i know how to take care of myself. Plus he needs to earn my trust before going that far. It will not happen anyways.” I insisted.

“Well, it is up to you. You are the one who will suffer anyways” and she, my heart let me alone.

“What do you want to do next?” he brought back my awareness with his husky voice

“Do you want to go to salsa place with me?”

“Hey, sure I would love to see you dancing” he smiled

And we ended up spending our night at one restaurant dancing salsa.

“You almost told me a story about you when we were in the restaurant” he said from my floor when I almost fallen asleep. This woke me up. i chosen to be silent. I knew what this is about.

“next time you have to tell me” he added. I remained silent.

“Good night” I said instead.

The next day, in the morning, I watched him sleeping for some minutes from my bed. He slept so peacefully. At that moment I knew that I felt more for him. I don’t know what.

“Hey, good morning…” I said softly as I didn’t want to shock him

“Good morning” he answered with heavy voice and with half closed eyes

“I will go to the church for an hour, you can continue sleeping. Feel free to prepare your breakfast at the kitchen” I tried to make him comfortable

“Can I come with you?” He surprised me. He doesn’t believe in God like the way i do but he still would like to come to the church with me.

“I would be honored” I answered still surprise. Of course, I would be honored; being alone at Christmas day is not fun at all. And there was he offering himself to give me company. I know that I gave him more credit for doing this.  I started to enjoy every talk with him in different way like we talk in the monastery. Within a few hours after church, we involved in the conversation about science, philosophy, and spending the whole afternoon to solve 4 puzzles at the third floor in one restaurant. He amazed me on how he explained about big bang theory, physic, and how he could solve every single complicated puzzled by only looking to its structure. He really is a smart guy. My heart was strongly touched when he talked about serenity prayer, a prayer from celtic tribe if I recalled well. It says; “ Dear God, Grant me serenity to accept the things I can`t change, courage to change the thing that I can, and wisdom to tell the difference”  And he earns more credits.

We decided to drive back home and chill out due to the heavy rain. I suggested watching a dvd and he agreed. I tried to be comfortable being at the same bed with him. I curse myself of imagining cuddling with him while watching. But hang on…I behaved so well. Trust needs to be earned. I believe we looked for trust from each other. It was cool so far. I never feel so comfortable being that close with a guy, except with my partner.  With him, everything is different.

I let him again sleep in my floor at the second night after a long chat about constellation which interests him the most. Again, the next morning, I watched him sleeping for some minutes. I smiled.

We had another good day at the next day. Can`t believe he made me jumped into the sea with surf board. Somehow he convinced me to fight my fear on sea and gave it a try to surf. Something that I am sure I would never do. The walk that we did along the beach was something. Like I said, I enjoyed most of it. The breeze from the sea and sun which almost set down added to the beauty of the moment. I knew he is my no one, but at least I am grateful of what I feel considering the pain that Clayton left me. 

We wasted out when we reached home. I think I slept so peacefully. He earned my trust already that I allowed him to sleep in my bed. For God sake, I didn’t think to do more than that. I respected him and I guess he respected me as well. We were laying down face to face chat about life and religion. I didn’t even remember what we were talking about in detail until we both fallen asleep. And oh, he stole my pillow lol. Again, I watched him sleeping, but that morning, I was watching him for quite a while. In my heart I thanked him splendidly for recovering my feeling.

I had to left early from home to catch my fast boat to go to the island for my holiday. I didn’t think I would see him again as he had another vacation plan before he went back to his permanent site in Java.  I gave him the best hug and wished him a very good luck for everything. I was so ready to have a great vacation in the island, dating myself and feel good of being me.

For most of the people it might look strange that one local girl having her vacation alone in her own country. One Slovak girl came to me said, “I am so amazed about you, you are so international” I was just laughing about it.  Considering I never ended up being alone while I was in the island like I imagined but always sticked to some solo travelers. I had a good time with them. The conversation about Indonesian politics (which my brain always refuse to think), indonesian culture, indonesian way of dating (which I might not the right person to ask) and places around the worlds and many more gave me different insight about everything. Each of these people that I met during that time inspired me differently. It was even greater when I met Max, a solo traveler from Europe. We were clicked since the first chat. We walked around the island and stopped for lunch by the beach. The conversation about study in Europe, his travel route and religion was so much fun. So I guess he deserved to be invited to our new years eve party together with the group. And he was astonished and agreed.

I tried not to think about him, the guy who slept on my floor. Even Max company didn`t success to skip warm feeling every time I remember about him. My heart was jump to joy when I got his text saying that he might come to the island as well, as some of his friends were there, but to which island he was not sure yet (oh there are three small islands close to each other and all are nice tourist spots. The first island was the most crowded one and is a party place. It is like Ibiza in Spain, loud musics from different clubs is ON ALL the time, I mean all the time, 24/7. The second island which is in the middle was the most quite one, less habitants, and no party place. This was where I choose to be. And third island is less crowded than the first one but still too crowded for me, plus I don’t like the beach, it is dirty) anyways, even though he didn’t decide to come to the island where I was staying, at least I still could see him one more time during the NYE party as my group would take a boat and off to the party island. I would definitely see him there.

It coincidently happened that my group had our NYE dinner with his group as well. The world is so small. The groups ended up partying at the same club but we were busy partying with our own group. Things were completely different which also completely ok with me. I had fun with my own group, plus max, jesse, and veronica were good party mates. We started drinking vodka since 6 pm before the dinner even started. I didn`t bother about the rest. I even didn’t really pay attention on him. I had fun and had time of my life.

The next day, I ended up sleeping until 10 am and woke up with hang over. What a bad way to start the new year lol. I spent the whole day lying down and lazing around in the beach. i enjoyed reading my book and feeling warm on my skin from the sun and the sands. Sometimes I lying down so close to the sea and let my feet in the water. It was so relaxing. And you see, I forget him already…I was busy enjoying myself. Until he texted me and saying he might come and spend a night in this island. Well, ok, I was ready to see where it led me.

I got a feeling that he is a fun person to be around if he is not distracted. I mean, he was two different person from the one that I met in the monastery and spent some times in my house with the one that I met in the party.  He was boring :P. May be because it was too crowded. May be because there were a lot of people know him that he didn’t want to look so friendly to me. I don’t know, and I don’t care. I waited for him in the morning he mentioned to come but no sign from him. I decided to visit max  as I promised him in the other side of the island after giving up and thinking he will not come. we chatted, laughed, and had a good time. But right after we made plan for the day the guy who slept in my floor texted me saying that he is in the island already. Apparently he likes this move, being spontaneous and less arrangement. I asked him to leave his back pack in my room and walked to the other side of the island where I and max were as I didn’t want to walk back for him. He appeared after sometimes, as usual, with his special charm. At the end we spent our day the three of us. We did some swimming and snorkeling. We watched sunset and had nice dinner at one small beach café named adang adang. It was beautiful. We talked again about constellation when we saw millions of beautiful stars at the sky. It was almost midnight when we decided to go back to the room and said good bye to Max. I tried to be cool on the way to the other side of the island where my room was. we needed an hour walked in the dark and bush in the sides. It is only small road. We could step on the mud, or even cow feces. There was only one small flash light from his phone.

“You seems nervous” he open the conversation.

I just realized that I walked fast and quietly for a while.

“I am…” I answered, looked straight to the front.

“are you scared” he asked

“I am…” I answered

“Do you want to hold my hand?”

Without saying anything I reached his hand  and hold it tightly.

Still walking in the same pace, “Thanks” I said.

I was still quiet when we reached the room. I felt shy of showing him that I was scare. But, I didn’t want to pretend that I am strong. I want him to see me as I am.

“ I remember you asked me why I ended up in the monastery” I started

“Do you want to tell me?” he ensured

“I am in the process of healing my broken heart” I mumbled

“Sometimes people do look for a way that fit to themselves to have some changes” I added

“What happened?” he asked with concern

I was doubt for a while of telling him what I was going through. But then I told him some stories that might be a good reason to bring me to meditation retreat. I was not lying, indeed, histories that I mentioned give a lot of contribution of my searching. But it was way far than that. At first, indeed, it was about boys and broken relationships with some of guys that I thought I fall for. But at the end, and along the process I realized it was about myself. But I didn’t know how to explain him.

“That was a classic love stories Lili, you are such a strong girl” he drove off my wandering thoughts.

“Thanks, but I guess, without that experiences, I wont learn anything. I was honored to experience those things. I am now become sensitive of what life wants to tell me”

“what is it” he asked

“to love myself before love somebody else” I said

“how`d you do that?” he asked again

“doing what I really want to do since long time ago, cultivating myself in a way that can bring positive energy to my mind, not relying on anyone else. Trying to look things from some different angles…you know…and not sticking to my own understanding.”

“Now I always look up to the bright side of my problem, that way I hate no more but learn” I added

“Do you still love him now?” he seemed curious

“I am not sure now if that was love” I glanced

“I think it was just secure feeling” I added

“How if he come now and ask to come back” he asked more

“I think I will say no…I am happy of being me now, and I think we are not compatible to each other now” I answered

“do you hate him for being not stood up for you but to follow to his culture rule?”

“I did, but not anymore…hate will take me nowhere to my searching…I just want to take positive messages from my bad experiences. And you know what, I found myself dealing with everything that happened in my past. Not only with boys but also with my families and friends”

“you are in a right track Lili…” he seemed concern..

“Thanks”

We were silent for quite a while. We were busy with our own thought. My mind was just wandering and I could not close my eyes. We both tried to sleep, but then I realized that we were so close to each other, face to face. My hand was in his hands. We stared each other for a while.

Out of a sudden, I felt so comfortable, I felt so secure.

“Can you hug me while I am sleeping?” I asked

Without saying any words, he took closer and hug me tightly. I felt more secure.

I let him comb my hair with his hands. With eye closed I felt he wept my face. I suddenly realized that I was crying. I was sobbing. But I didn’t feel any sadness. It was just a beautiful feeling that brought tears in to my eyes. He hugged me even tighter. I enjoyed every feeling at that moment. I drifted even deeper and deeper to my feeling. I let out my emotion. I started to react to his touch. Slowly, we touched each other and moved our body with grace; slowly we let our self drown to the deepest sensual sphere and flew to the highest contentment.  It was beautiful. And it was beautiful in every move. I felt more and more passions, pleasures, and joy. Those feelings became one. We were become one.  His head stayed in my chest until night crawled into dawn.  He spoke so dearly with his heavy voice; I listened to him and closed my eyes. I was in a most peaceful moment of my life.

To be continued