I dedicate this post for my best
friend Christina Silitonga as she is the one who insisted me to write this journal
on my meditation retreat.
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| Miniature of Borobudur temple |
Well, for hundreds reasons while in
fact I don’t need any reason, I enrolled in one retreat held by Brahma Vihara
in Singaraja, North West Bali on 19th – 24th of December
2011. I have no idea of Buddhism before but indeed I am eager to learn about
it. It is not that I want to convert but just to take the best and the most of
it for the sake of peace in me. Anyways,
I don’t know what you will find in this journal. You might be agreeing with me, or you might
be totally disagreeing, but this writing here is solely my feeling at the
moment I wrote it back there in the monastery.
Daily
schedule
Time
|
Activity
|
05.00
|
Wake up Bell
|
05.15 – 06.15
|
Walking Meditation/ Group
Sitting Meditation
|
06.15 – 07.00
|
Breakfast
|
07-08
|
Room Cleaning
|
08.00-10.00
|
Workshop “Abhi damma Teaching”
|
10.00-11.00
|
Meditation
|
11.00-12.00
|
Lunch
|
12.00-12.30
|
Walking Meditation
|
12.30-13.00
|
Break
|
13.00-15.00
|
Workshop “Vipassana Meditation”
|
15.00-15.30
|
Break
|
15.30-17.30
|
Walking Meditation/ Sitting Meditation
|
17.30-18.30
|
Room Cleaning /Shower
|
18.30-20.30
|
Walking Meditation/ Sitting Meditation
|
20.30-21.30
|
Interview /Radiating Loving
Kindness
|
21.30
|
Bed
|
Day 1 19th of December 2011
at 16.37
`what are you doing there?`
Someone might ask me and
continuously ask me this question.
I am asking myself the same
question you know.
Being 4 hours rode from Ubud to
this place, being lost, being cold and wet because of the rain, being confused
between `moving forward`` or going back to my comfort zone in Ubud.
Ubud-Singaraja seemed to be the
longest way ever…I lost counting how many times I stopped checking to my GPS,
asking direction to people who hardly speak Bahasa, our own language..i was
frustrated.
However, after few hours crushed
and slept, I recall again the reason of being here, to MEDITATE…to get better INSIGHT of
myself…to learn how to be MINDFUL all the time…and this is the only way that
can save me from the fight with my mind.
Anyways, the monastery seems to be
the biggest Buddhist Monastery in Bali. They place me in one modest room. Well,
actually it is more than I expected.
Twin single bed room, private bath room, and the best of all, it is
facing the valley. So, you can imagine I am writing this while watching beautiful
green valley view through my window. It is so peaceful.
When I took lunch this noon in the
dining room, I saw some people who I
guess will follow this retreat. I was amazed of how people move so slow, rarely
speak to anyone. it seems like they enjoy to be in their own presence .The time
pass much longer here.
I think my tiring and headache because of the
long trip have disappeared. I feel much better now after the long nap. But I
was dreaming about Clayton. I don’t know
why considering I totally get over him now. Maybe because we took the same road
on our vacation last time, then my sub conscious mind recalled him on the way
to get here. ..Gosh, he looked miserable in my dream, he had sad eyes, more
wrinkle, and walked without confidence. I felt really sorry for him. Well,
maybe I have to forgive him more from now on and this retreat will definitely
help.
At 21.00
We just finished todays session. I
recalled we were about 15 people who do the training. 4-6 are foreigners. I spoke to one local man, his name is pak
Ida, a retired teacher in Banyuwangi but is originally from Singaraja. I found comfort talking to
this man, only 15 minutes talking I could feel positive energy from him. and
eventually, he told me that he wrote an inter religion book titled “MATI YANG
BAIK” translated as “Die Well”. No wonders that we were so well connected.
Immediately, I feel that I have to read this book considering that I am at the
stage of finding myself and eager to learn as much as possible about how I
should live my life.
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| Meditation Hall |
Good night,I have to sleep now to
be able to wake up at 5 am tomorrow. I hope I hear the wake up bell as I don’t
want to miss my morning group meditation in the temple.
Day 2 20th of December 2011
at 23.00
It`s hard to tell…again I am asking
myself of what am I doing here.
I woke up about half an hour before
the bell rang. I went to the temple even though it was not the time yet and
waiting for group meditation by doing walking meditation alone. Nothing really
happened, I only felt pain and more pain on my feet, and the sound of gamelan
(traditional music from one Hindu community centre not far from this monastery)
distracted me a lot. I really can`t watch my breath either my thought well
during this session. But I did saw a small flash playing above my head for some
times. I don’t know if it was real or just in my imagination.
The first class today was about
ABIDHAMMA teaching. The teaching itself
totally confused me. It talked about Sidharta Gautama who taught Abhidamma in
the second heaven where 33 gods stay, including his mother (who was actually
reborn in the 4rt heaven and in male form).
it also taught about stage of consciousness, mental states, rupa (body),
and Nibbana (heaven). This is absolutely different with what I learn in
Christianity. I hope I will manage to find some time to summarize my notes from
this lesson.
I eventually knew someone`s name. Cody was
sitting next to me during the class and the workshop. We had only one or so
chats since we have to respect noble silence. The only thing that I know about
him is that he is from the USA and currently volunteering in one high school
in Java. I immediately had a feeling that we can be a good friend considering
my mission on volunteering next year. I need to know how he survived with
living in a totally different culture with so modest living allowance. Well, if
I have chance to talk more with him.
Anyways, a funny experience during
group evening meditation was I fall asleep few times and was woken up by a very
warm breeze that hit my right arm leaving me with a warm feeling.
Good Night.
Day 3 21st of December 2011
at 07.31
I woke up by the bell this morning
at 4.45. I made promise to myself that today will be better. I had to be aware
the reason of being here, training training and training.
During sitting meditation, I felt
at ease..was easier that last night. I think I only got lost in my mind few
times. I could enjoy my present moment. The thing is that I felt like I was
somewhere else. I was so easy to be involved and dragged to the sound that I picked
as my present moment. Sometimes, I saw
it clearly but often blurry. For example,
when I picked the sound of motorbike which passed the monastery, I felt like I was
standing in the walking path and watch him passing. Or when I brought my attentions
to the sound of a bird, I felt like I was standing under the tree watching him
singing. It was a beautiful moment
indeed but what I am worried that it was not real, that this should not happen
during meditation that I should not involve with the object of my present
moment. Well, I don’t know…I just need
to do more training I guess.
11.45 am
I think I can write a long one now.
I supposed to be at my room resting before the afternoon class is started but I
don’t feel like sitting or doing anything at my room. I talked to Eugenie, a girl from Rusia who is
living in Bali for 9 months now. She seems nice and I am kind of like talking
to her. We plan to meet up for coffee
one day in Kuta. I will see if I can pick up my mood to be in Kuta again.
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| walking meditation path |
Anyways, this morning session was
talking about mental states that each human has. I was confuse and blind in the
whole session. It also talked about Karma, that what happens now right this
moment is based on karma that I did in my previous life. I still need to learn, to read, and to understand
more about this. It totally annoyed me when Bante told us about 7 planes of
being. But then I realized that I have to put aside first the concept that I knew
in order to keep doing my training here.
Christianity and Buddhism are obviously different. At this stage, I don’t
want to believe anything but just to accept. I still believe that I am doing
the right thing by coming here, it is no harm to any body anyways…
I met and talked again with Bapak
Ida. He said he will be going home for one night and bring me the book that he
wrote. I feel joy in my heart as I really want to read his book. He said good karma direct us together to this
place, which I believe so.
This afternoon, Bante will teach
about meditation again. I guess I have to concentrate more in order to be able
to improve my meditation. I am kind of
enjoying it now. Less and less pain when I am doing sitting meditation. I believe I will get there, I will gain all
benefit from my effort to have peace in me, painless, and hateless, to
cultivate all positive trees in my mind. To tell the truth, I am really
smilling now, big one, beautiful feeling, warm heart, and I belive grace is
with me.
I hope this feeling remains…
Day 4, 22nd of December 2011
I was wasted last night with all
information Bante gave me. The arguments
and debates during the interview seemed to be hard and tough. I straightly went
to bed as soon as reached my room as my head was so heavy. Of course I cant expect to understand
everything about Buddhism at once, I will take it one day at a time. As I told
you, I feel like I am 3 years old girl who is learning how to stand.
Anyways, I met and talked with another
rmeditator, Jeffry. I was sitting at the dining hall when he passed by me and
asked “are you Christian?”
“Yes” I answered, “and you?” I asked
back
Apparently, he is also Christian,
and a very good one. He has been raised
with advent belief which is one of the radical teachings on Christianity.
What surprised me was he strongly emphasized
not to leave the bible, to be more exacted he said, “don’t leave the bible, it
is an absolute truth”
At some moment, unconsciously I squinted
my eyes, why would someone who obviously in the Buddhist retreat telling me how
to be a good Christian. Moreover, I noticed
that he seemed to be really into Buddhism during the retreat, I never saw him
talk to anyone, and he respected the noble silence very much, meditated all the
time. In fact, I was day dreaming once at the class that he might be one of
those people who is heartless and ruthless.
That moment in the dining room when I talked to him about being
Christian remind me the sayings “don’t judge by its cover”…and how could I judge
him of being unkind person here, in the Buddhism retreat which obviously teach
me about compassion and not to judge...
“ Please forgive me Jeffry. “
Hey, we had a nice conversation on
why advents are not believed that Jesus was born the 25th of
December. It is simply not possible to travel all the way from Jerusalem to Bethlehem
because there is always heavy snow in Bethlehem on that day. Plus, Magi would
never travel on snowing.
Well, it is what they belief and I respect
what they belief. For me, it is not the exact date of Christmas what matter. But
I think to invite Jesus to be born in your heart is what really matter. Plus, maybe during Jesus there was no snow…
climate change..remember lol….so forget
about the date will ya….!!
Enough about Jeffry and Christian… I
will be back to the topic of discussion during last night interview.
In the Buddhism, there is no
teaching on creation. If there was a creator then who created the creator?? This
was a very looooooooong discussion between Bante and one guy from Holland, I forgot
his name. They were arguing and debating endlessly. I was fade up.
What interest me was the discussion
about vegetarian. This vegetarian
concept was not the idea of Buddhism. A Buddhist prohibits eating meat, fish,
or others which so called nice and delicious meal from the living being IF:
-
You see the living being killed for you
-
You hear the living being killed for you
-
You suspect the living being killed for you
It means that, if you go to the
restaurant, you still can eat meat because they don’t kill these animals for
you. To be honest, I cant stand with this idea. If you have loving kindness and
compassion, you should however at any circumstances avoid the act or the prove
that killing has been done. Bante gave me another example. During Budha time,
monk had to travel and lived from the arm food villagers given them. In order
to received food, the just stood at the door with head down and bowl in their
hands. They were not supposed to say any words. Meaning that they should take
anything what had been given to them and lived with it.
Anyways, this philosophy will not
stop me learning to become vegetarian. Moreover,
the initial reason why I decided to be a vegetarian is about the quality of the
food. I cannot imagine how long the meat has been displays before it come to my
mouth. However, to be honest, I still can’t
avoid fish, it is not because I cannot live without it, but I still don’t know
to balance my protein.
Ok, enough with yesterdays
story, I will tell you about todays
note.
Well, I am not that happy with
todays attainment. I was destructed and have to do something about it. Morning meditation
was ok. I sat for a while watching for my feeling without pain. This time, I could
watch pain in my feet somewhere but my feet which is awesome. i could sit
longer without pain because I didn’t watch my feet but my pain. But during the
class, everyone seemed so relax now compare to the 1st or 2nd
day. We were talking, exchanged contact, made plan to meet up again. I knew,
since that time I would be destructed. This is not what I am looking for. I am
not supposed to know anyone here. I am not supposed to be involved in anything
or with anyone. ohh please…
Alright, that was a mistake, and
the only thing that I need to do now is to fix it. I think I have to come to my
initial purpose of being here, to heal my pain.
Jesus, I have to sleep now. I have
to wake up in 4 hours. I will write you again tomorrow.
Day 5, 23rd of December 2011
Good morning,
Now this is what I am going to do. I
have to get there, sit at the same place, smile to everyone like I used to do
and watch my bad mood, and separate it with my heart not try not to involve
with it. I have to ignore all pride, greedy, sensual attraction, and
imagination. I have to be in the present moment. I have to go back home as a
new Lili without emptiness, loneliness, emotional baggage, and heavy heart.
This time, here, is my opportunity
to train my mind to be wiser, to see clearly as it is. I am ready.
Day 6, 24th of December 2011
Hey, this is my last day here. I suppose
to leave this monastery this afternoon. I am really sorry if so far you didn’t find
any significant change in me during this retreat. I know.. it is all process. I
am sorry as well, If somehow you could
not find anything that you would like to find in this writing. We are all
different, what we seek is different, how we contemplate and feel things are
different.
Being 6 days here, I feel blessed
and new regardless all negativities that I wrote above. But, I think this is a
good start for my spiritual journey. And being here still the best decision
that I ever made so far.
See you in the next journal.
Love,
Lili
Ps: Christina, congratulation for
your new born baby. Glad that I witnessed
him growing in your belly. Looking forward to see him and hugs me and show him
my love.
Plenty of hugs and kisses for both
of you.
Tante Lili
(all the photos are courtesy of cody, thanks buddy)
(all the photos are courtesy of cody, thanks buddy)
